Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
