I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
