**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
