i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just want to make out with him forever
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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