Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
