One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
