you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
