And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
