The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
