WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
