I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
