Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
