My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize