I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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