Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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