i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
