take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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