Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize