Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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