I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
