1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
