Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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