So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
