Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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