God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just found puke in my bra..
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
