totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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