I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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