Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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