i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
