My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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