Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
