My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
