I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
