Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize