something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
