I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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