remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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