Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
