If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
