Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
