thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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