There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
