Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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