I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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