I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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