if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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