i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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