Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Randomize
