I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
