her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
