Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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