I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
