i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
