anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
