If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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