Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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