I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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