Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
