yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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