Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
