I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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